All I Need

Slow down. Hold still.
It's not as if it's a matter of will.
Someone's circling. Someone's moving
a little lower than the angels.
And it's got nothing to do with me.
The wind blows through the trees,
but if I look for it, it won't come.
I tense up. My mind goes numb.
There's nothing harder than learning how to receive.

Calm down. Be still.
We've got plenty of time to kill.
No hand writing on the wall:
just the voice that's in us all.
And you're whispering to me,
time to get up off my hands and knees,
'cause if I beg for it, it won't come.
I find nothing but table crumbs.
My hands are empty. God I've been naive.

Slow down. Hold still.
It's not as if it's a matter of will.
Someone's circling. Someone's moving
a little lower than the angels.
This voice calling me to you:
it's just barely coming through.
Still, I clearly hear my name.
I've been fingering the flame
like tomorrow's martyr.
It gets harder to believe.

All I need is everything.
Inside, outside, feel new skin.
All I need is everything.
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again.

So from now till kingdom come,
taste the words on the tip of my tongue.
'Cause we can't run truth out of town,
only force it underground.
The roots grow deeper
in ways we can't conceive.

All I need is everything.
Inside, outside feel new skin.
All I need is everything.
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again.


OTR....
All I need is all I need.

Longing is stirred

I have been drowning myself in Over the Rhine lately. I just love this group. Their songs are beautifully written and leave me with such a longing in my heart
for something more meaningful and real in my own life. I must admit, I haven't
felt those feeling in a really long time. I am just so unsatisfied with my life right now and it's something within that is unsettling. It's nothing that a new house or more money is going to satiate. I know that but to surrender to what I know what will fulfill that is so painful for me. So I find myself lingering between longing and fear and the fruit is discontent. Why am I so stubborn?

taken from Etc. Whatever.....OTR

So come on now,
I can almost see
that place
on a distant shore.
And courage is a weapon we must use
to find some life you can't refuse.

Marriage

As Loren and I get ready to celebrate our 9th anniversary this summer, I have been thinking alot about our marriage. I can't believe that this fall it will be 13 years that we have known each other. Sometimes I look at him and can't remember a time without him. Othertimes I look at him and wonder how in the world our paths ever crossed. I kind of feel like we have hit our groove lately....we seem to be getting along ok. We are able to talk problems out pretty rationally and we are both willing to concede if we need to. I must say that if anything, marrige is really been a sharpening tool in a way for me personally. Loren challenges me alot to be a better person, not that he says "you need to be a better person", but just through our interaction with one another I feel challenged to become more self confident and to not give up when something gets too hard. He never makes me feel stupid, even when it's really evident that I don't know what the HECK I am talking about. In the 13 years that I have known him, not ONCE has he EVER called me a mean name. THAT, to me, is AMAZING! I just love this guy. Not to say that all is perfect, because it isn't. But he is such a solid strong person and I feel SO safe with him and for that I am SO THANKFUL that I married him. I probably could of married someone who let me do whatever I wanted and let me be in control all the time. And sometimes that is really appealing to me to be honest. But I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. I hope that Loren knows that.

I'M BACK!

After months of not posting I have resolved to start writing again. Maybe our of my extreme GUILT over not writing down any major milestones in Naomi's life for the last 15 months. Poor girl! We are gearing up for the busy season in the house. It all starts on the 20th with Sam's 6th birthday! It is going to be a Fairly Oddparents bday party I am told. I think I will order the cake from somewhere as that was a HUGE weight off my shoulders last year. I am totally at a lose of party games for 6 year old boys. I wonder if you can rent a tent where they can all go in it and scream till their hearts are content. April 5th is Loren's big 30th bday! I am contemplating what to do for him. We had said we would celebrate our bdays together, but I am thinking of doing something special for him. April 16th is Tommy's 4th bday. Spiderman is on the agenda. This is the first year he has wanted a bday party. I am excited for him. My 30th bday ends the festivities on the 30th! My golden! We are going to party with some friends in the city, or those are the plans thus far.

Our house is going up for sale in April and I couldn't be more stressed about it. There is still so much work to be done. I have alot of painting yet. I am excited about moving. We are planning on moving to Kalamazoo MI by the end of the summer. Loren MAY NOT be moving with us immediately. If he gets a new position at work, he may have to stay until Nov. We will just deal with that when the time comes. I can't think that far ahead at this point.

So, lots to do and so little gets done every day. I guess that is life with a toddler. She is getting into something at every minute...hard to keep track of her. Good thing she is a DOLL!

WEll, it's almost 1 a.m and morning comes TOO SOON around here!

life happens

I feel lately that life has just been happening to me regardless of me actually participating in it or not. I cannot believe that Nov starts next week. I feel like I have been in a state of suspended animation for the last year. Things that have happened since I last blogged....summer came and went. VERY HOT, actually TERRIBLE HOT. I would rather forget it. I spent most of it indoors racking up a quiet large electric bill. I broke my left foot mid August while trying to get all the kids in the car. I had a cast on for 6 weeks or which I probably complained 5 1/2 weeks of. Lucky Loren! Naomi turned from a sweet little girl who never made a peep to a little hell on wheels girl who will destroy my house in 5 seconds if I take my eyes of her. She is cute alright, but this girl may be our strongest willed one yet! Sam has learned to read simple words and is surprising me every day with stuff he's learned. Tommy has started school and has developed a huge vocabulary. Loren and I plug away, sometimes wondering what it's all about and why we live up in Chicago instead of moving "home", whatever that may mean.

One of the little boys in Sam's sunday school class, his mom is probably going to die this week of cancer. It's really been a hard one for me to deal with. Just thinking of the brevity of life and her leaving her kids to be raised without her. Overall I just feel a deep sense of sadness over the whole thing and it's really helped me look at my life and not take for granted what I have. Sure, I have let life just happen to me lately but I think that needs to change. I think I want to be an active participant in it again seeing that we never know when it's our time to go. Morbid? maybe...

Been a LONG time!

I have no excuses. I just haven't wanted to post for a while. We are all doing well though. Naomi turned 6 months a few weeks ago and has been crawling now for about 6 weeks. She does this army crawl that is quite comical to watch. She is one active little girl. I was told that girls were calmer than boys, but I'm wondering. She is very determined and when Loren told her "NO" for the first time yesterday she looked at him and started bawling. OH BOY....it all starts!

Tommy has a traumatic experience last week. He had to go have a colonoscopy because he has been having blood in his stool for the last year. He had to be admitted over night and had to have a tube up his nose to deliver all that stuff to clean him out. It was VERY scarey for him and terrible for me as a mom to watch. He also had to have an IV in his hand. Thankfully, there were no polyps and they found the source of the bleeding and it's something very easy to treat. I thought that he would be traumatized for a while, but as soon as we got home that next day he was fine!

Sam finished preschool a few weeks ago and is SO excited to start Kindergarten in the fall. I can't believe he is that old already. He is getting so tall and sometimes says the most mature things. It blows my mind that this is my baby!

I have been faithfully posting pictures EVERY DAY on my picture site www.mamabaird.smugmug.com. You can go there to see them.

Sara

I think I'm getting the hang of this....

I think I can safely say that things have gotten back to normal (?) around here! I am FINALLY feeling like I'm getting the hang of this mom business. I guess alot of it I can contribute to Naomi being the best baby ever born. This little girls eats, sleeps and sits and watches everyone. I have a feeling some day I will have problems with her, but for now I'm enjoying every minute. She is sleeping beautifully through the night, from 6 pm to 6 am! Hard to believe.

Spring break is approaching and I am trying to figure out what to do with all the kids next week. I know Sam would love to go down to the Children's Museum and see the Magic School Bus exhibit. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to go it alone. My sister, her two boys and my mom may come up and we will go to a children's museum in Barrington to check out the "grossology" exhibit. I think it focuses on bodily functions which the boys will LOVE.

Tommy is literally potty training himself. He woke up one day and decided to tell me when he needed to go etc. It's great, except he always has to go when I sit down to feed Naomi. He hasn't had any accidents today at all and I am so proud of him.

The big exciting thing was that Sam turned 5 last Sunday. We had a big party with a spongebob pinata and cake. It was alot of fun. We have about 8 kids in all and it wasn't too bad. I was exhausted when everyone left though ;) You can check out picks of that at www.mamabaird.smugmug.com I posted all his pictures there.

Tonight is Girls Night Out with our church group. I better go get ready.

Sara